Choosing Memory Care: A Caregiver’s Perspective

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Feelings of guilt can arise, but there are blessings in choosing a memory care facility for our loved ones

Having a loved one living in a care facility can sometimes be tougher on you than it is on your loved one. This certainly is the case for the families of many of our residents who have dementia. By the time a person has enough dementia that they live at Emerald Crest, they usually either do not realize that they have dementia, or they underestimate the amount of dementia they have. 

Our residents move in, they adjust to their new surroundings and the staff adjust to them. Sometimes people do well instantly and others take a few days, a couple weeks and occasionally longer to adjust. But nearly 100% of the time our residents do adjust and feel at home in their surroundings, even if they don’t say or know they are at their new home.

For their loved ones, though, it can be tougher. There is often a lot of guilt with not caring for your loved one yourself. It is common to have lingering doubts. Thoughts that you could take them back home to live with you can pop into your head.

Asking to “Go Home”

In these moments, it can be easy to forget that maybe things weren’t going so great before your loved one moved into a care facility. It can be even tougher when you visit your loved one and they ask to leave with you or ask when they are going home. So often words like that trigger guilty feelings. You can feel like you are abandoning your loved one or that they are unhappy in their present surroundings.

This is not necessarily true though. I have heard from many families whose loved one asks to leave that their loved one was asking to go home while they were at home. In the months leading up to moving into Emerald Crest, a woman I know was asking her family to go home even though she was in her home where she had lived for over 50 years. Even knowing this, her family could sometimes feel guilty for having her at Emerald Crest and not at ‘home’. It was helpful for this family to remind themselves that this woman asked to go ‘home’ even in her own home. It was helpful for this family to remind themselves that this woman acted like she was at ‘home’ at Emerald Crest.

Caregivers having feelings of guilt

Sometimes this guilt never goes away completely—even if you know that your loved one is in a good facility; even if you know that your loved one wasn’t doing so well at home; even if you know that your loved one enjoys their housemates and the staff and the engagement they receive; even if you know that you have more positive energy to devote to them because now you are not caring for them round the clock, so when you see them it is to visit them not to ‘put out a fire’ or do some kind of physical care taking.

Even if rationally, you know it is better for your loved one and for you, it is still hard to not feel guilty sometimes. You feel guilty because you love them. You feel guilty because you always want what is best for them and part of you can’t shake thinking that they should be with you round the clock. You feel guilty maybe because you think that you wouldn’t want to live in a care facility. Maybe your loved one said they didn’t want to live in a care facility. Now even though you know that they are doing well, you can’t help but remember that your loved one said they didn’t want to live in a care facility. Maybe other people in your life have said things about taking a loved one in so they don’t have to live in a facility.

If you feel guilty, it’s ok. If you feel guilty my guess is that you visit that person. If you feel guilty, my guess is that you have helped to ensure that they live in a good place. If you feel guilty you are probably involved in their care even though you are not directly providing most of that care. You have done anything but abandon that person.

The blessings of a memory care placement

There are great blessings in not providing round the clock care as you would if they lived with you. One of those huge blessings is the way in which you can now spend time with your loved one. When you are a round-the-clock caregiver for someone with dementia you have very little energy to appreciate them. When you are a round-the-clock caregiver and there is some down time from caregiving the last thing on your mind is having a nice conversation with your loved one for whom you are caring. When you are a round-the-clock caregiver, who has answered the same question over and over and over, who has done laundry that was soiled again, when you have fished hearing aids out of the garbage, when you have argued with them about going to the job that they haven’t had in 20 years, when you have been up all night because your loved one thinks it’s the middle of the day, when you find them down the street in the winter with no coat, and so on and so on…when this is your life and your loved one is calm and content the last thing you want to do is strike up a conversation. When this is your life and your loved one is in a good place and not causing you headaches, you take a rest or do some of the other things that you need to do. What you are very unlikely to do is look outside, see the sunshine, and think ‘we should go outside together and get some fresh air.’ When this is your life, you may not feel guilty, but you likely have all sorts of other unpleasant feelings. 

But when your loved one lives in a facility, then visiting them is visiting them. When you come you are there for your loved one. You have patience and time. You look to enjoy and appreciate them. Maybe you still care for them a little while you are there-help them to the bathroom, tidy up their room, or help them eat a meal. But now that isn’t a chore, it is a pleasure and an honor to care for them in this way.

Maybe having someone else providing the care makes you feel like you don’t love them enough. Maybe your loved one has cared and sacrificed for you, so you feel like you need to sacrifice too. But you are caring for them. Ensuring that they are getting great care is caring for them. You haven’t abandoned them. You have recognized the reality of the situation. You have recognized that seeking care in a facility is, in fact, so often providing better care than if they were at home or in your home.

Love is sometimes letting go a bit. Love is knowing your limitations. Love is letting others provide care.  Sometimes love is feeling guilty even if you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Reverend Arlen Solem

Chaplain and Campus Pastor

In gratitude, thank you so much to all of our volunteers and donors who make all of the work we do at Cassia possible. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and needed to ensure we are able to fulfill our mission.

For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem at 612-263-0503. or Arlen.Solem@cassialife.org.

At Emerald Crest, we offer a deep knowledge of memory care in a specialized assisted living setting for seniors with Alzheimer’s and dementia-related conditions. We encourage you to contact us directly with any questions or request a tour. For tours and general information, please contact Elizabeth Wendel at 952-908-2215.

Emerald Crest by Cassia provides memory care in a unique environment, specifically designed to support those with cognitive issues. Utilizing this exceptional model of care, individuals with dementia, Alzheimer’s and related conditions can flourish in positive relationships and participation in meaningful activities. Memory care is offered in the Minneapolis – Saint Paul area with communities in four convenient locations: Shakopee, Burnsville, Minnetonka and Victoria, MN.