When a Spouse is in Memory Care

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For husbands and wives together for so many years, continuing support of the spouse in memory care seems only natural

While it can be trying for any family members to have a loved one living in a care facility, this is especially true for husbands and wives. Because of their years together and closeness in sharing their lives, there is something that can seem unnatural about the separation of one spouse living in memory care. It is normal to not live with your mom or dad. It is normal to not live with your grandparent, or aunt, sister, or cousin. It’s normal to not live with your very close friend of so many years. But it is not normal to live apart from your husband or wife, even when it is because one of you requires care. 

The difficulty with having a husband or wife in memory care

With exceptions, most adults and their parents don’t live together. Outside of married couples, adults don’t usually form the kind of partnership or bond that goes along with a marriage. Spouses do have this connection. They usually sleep in the same bed, share finances, eat meals together, and share so much of their daily lives. Marriage is so much, and in so many ways the joining of two lives. For many of our residents, it has been their way of life for 50, 60, even 70 years. Many of our residents were married when they were in their early 20s or even as teenagers. These couples have not only been together for so many years but basically, they finished growing up together and have spent their whole adult lives together. No matter how many things changed over the years, the spouse has been their one constant.

Spouses may choose to spend many hours visiting together

Most of our residents have people who visit them. Some more often than others. Some with a regular schedule, others more sporadic. As a whole though, husbands and wives visit the most. Many husbands and wives visit every day or nearly every day. They often have a fairly set schedule. Coming for an hour or two around lunch is common. 

We also have spouses who spend most of their waking hours visiting with their husband or wife. You can imagine the change for these couples as one enters memory care, and especially with the stresses that the pandemic has brought. 

For some of our spouses who spend most if not nearly all of their waking hours beside their loved one, it can be emotionally and physically demanding. For many of these people, their children worry about them. They encourage mom or dad to stay away more, to practice ‘self-care’. I have sometimes echoed this to the husbands and wives. Many of our site leaders have encouraged people to stay away more from time to time.

Wives, husbands, may not heed advice about visiting

In talking with some of these spouses, especially those who just can’t seem to take a day off or limit the amount of time they spend beside their loved one, they generally recognize the toll it takes on them. They tell you, however, that if they were away, they would just be worrying that much more. They wouldn’t be resting. They wouldn’t be golfing or visiting with friends. They wouldn’t be practicing self-care. They would be worrying. They wouldn’t be able to have their mind on their loved one, and their body somewhere else.

Certainly, I have seen wives who spend a great deal of time daily with their husbands at our facilities, but what readily comes to mind for me are a few husbands I’ve known over the years who seem to not be able leave their wife’s side. Men whose kids have encouraged them to take more time away. Children who, with good intentions, tell their dads that mom would be ok with a break from visiting. These husbands I’m thinking of trust the staff; they trust the care. It’s not a lack of trust that keeps them nearly constantly at arm’s reach from their wives.

It seems to be a desire to keep their wife from even a moment of worry that keeps these husbands visiting. They know that if their wife has even one minor worry, they’ll be there to reassure them immediately. Their wives won’t have to wait even a moment to receive reassurance. 

Love, and the duty of a spouse, each interprets in their own way

What seems to be a great and unnecessary sacrifice to some on the outside isn’t viewed as a sacrifice at all to these spouses. To them, it is seen as part of the commitment and duty of a husband. Remaining with their spouse in memory care is done without resentment. It is done out of love. It is just what you do. Living apart and not being the primary caretaker is what is strange. Spending nearly every moment by their wife’s side is what is normal. 

It’s impossible for us to put ourselves in someone’s shoes, but we can try to understand. Couples who have been married and spent so many years together want to support each other. This isn’t something that can be imagined unless you are in it. For them, their husband or wife, the person they’ve loved and known is vulnerable, and might get scared or worried and spouses know they can help with that. Being told your spouse will be fine when you are away isn’t enough, because they might do just a little better if you’re around. Maybe a husband or wife will be alright this time, but the more the spouse is gone the more likely that there will be a moment of even brief discomfort that could have been eased. This thinking keeps a spouse vigilant, and nearby, even though it might take a toll. It is part of being a husband or wife. Marriage can be about sacrifice, and while such commitment may not always easy, it does demonstrate the love of husbands and wives.

I don’t write this to advocate for spouses to stay all day, every day, with their loved one. Those who do not or cannot visit daily or spend all day do not love their spouses any less. It is just different. I merely write this to tell the side of the story from the “overly” present spouse as best as I can, with those whom I’ve known. I have never been in their situation so I can only try to see it from their perspective. Until you live it, you can’t really know it.

Reverend Arlen Solem

Chaplain and Campus Pastor

In gratitude, thank you so much to all of our volunteers and donors who make all of the work we do at Cassia possible. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and needed to ensure we are able to fulfill our mission.

For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem at 612-263-0503. or Arlen.Solem@cassialife.org.

At Emerald Crest, we offer a deep knowledge of memory care in a specialized assisted living setting for seniors with Alzheimer’s and dementia-related conditions. We encourage you to contact us directly with any questions or request a tour. For tours and general information, please contact Elizabeth Wendel at 952-908-2215.

Emerald Crest by Cassia provides memory care in a unique environment, specifically designed to support those with cognitive issues. Utilizing this exceptional model of care, individuals with dementia, Alzheimer’s and related conditions can flourish in positive relationships and participation in meaningful activities. Memory care is offered in the Minneapolis – Saint Paul area with communities in four convenient locations: Shakopee, Burnsville, Minnetonka and Victoria, MN.