When One Parent Supports the Other Who Has Memory Loss

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What would we do with mom if something happened to dad?

My life flashed before my eyes recently. Well, that’s a bit dramatic but the thought of a very different life did cross my mind.

As I have written, my mother has been diagnosed with dementia. The diagnosis is not specifically Alzheimer’s at this time, but for many reasons that is almost certainly what it is. She has seen a neurologist, is on medication to help slow progression and in general is doing well in life living with my dad at their home in the country.

My dad injured himself tipping over his tractor. He did something careless, and the tractor slid and tipped on its side. He jumped and was thrown from it and must have hit his leg against the steering wheel or some other part as this happened. He ended up with a partial tear of his Achilles tendon. He will be fine, and he has already mostly healed with the help of a boot. 

A startling, but necessary realization

As I was talking with my brothers about Dad’s injury, we wondered what we would have done if the situation had been worse. Outside of obvious concern for him, we don’t think that my mom could live on her own where they live now.

Mom and dad live in the country, on big, beautiful rolling hills in west central Wisconsin. Most winters, to get in and out of the sloped driveway, my dad plows and puts down sand and ashes for safe access.  They burn wood in a stove for heat, and my dad chops all the wood and does everything with the stove.  My dad largely handles the finances. In summer, he mows and throughout the year he does most of the property maintenance. It was this way long before my mother had any signs of dementia, but I’m sure his burden has grown some. Or at least my dad manages overall more. There are other things I’m sure I’m missing.

My mother still drives locally and is just fine at home alone, but I don’t think she could live alone there. I don’t think she could do all the daily tasks that dad does, or that all those things could be arranged for her enough to live independently there. My brothers both live in Washington, so I’m the nearest and I’m 100 miles away.

Thinking ahead, when one parent has memory loss

My mom would have to move. That would be a challenge, I think. Outside of the challenges that anyone would face moving from a property like this, going through many stages, selling the home, etc., I don’t think my mom would want to move, but it would be necessary. 

I don’t imagine that she would think she could maintain living there by herself. Maybe she wouldn’t even want to live alone there, but I think she may say that she would. She may convince herself that she’d want to live alone. 

There’s no plan in place for what happens to mom if something happens to dad. I don’t know that there needs to be exactly right now. My dad is overall very healthy, both physically and cognitively. He has had and still has a very healthy lifestyle and has longevity in both men and women on both sides of his parents’ families. My mom does not have that family history. It seemed likely that my mom would not outlive my dad, even before having dementia.

Any plan for mom would likely change over the next few years, depending on how her dementia progresses. Things don’t progress in a linear fashion with dementia. She could change very little for several years or she could change rapidly. She could have a stroke or get diabetes, both also run in that family. A firm plan now would likely not be a workable plan in a few years if something were to happen to my dad.

Could mom enjoy a senior living apartment?

If you asked my mom if she would like to live in a senior apartment, whether in one of the small towns nearby, in Eau Claire, or in the Twin Cities, she would say no to any of these. She’d not like that. Certainly not in the Twin Cities, and likely not in either of those other two places. But I think she would be wrong and so do my brothers. We think that she might like living in a senior apartment much more than she imagines.

Mom is very social, even more so now in some ways with dementia. She would love the other people around and the chitchat she could have with many people on a daily basis. I think she’d not miss the country as much as she would say. She would probably talk about missing it though. She would like to live somewhere where she can walk to a store or restaurant or go to visit neighbors. She’d make new friends and see old ones who would come to visit.

For now, my dad is fine. She doesn’t need, nor want to move anywhere else. She is happy in her life. 

But it’s good to talk about these things with my brothers. It’s good to think things over collectively, and it’s good to know that when and if the time comes, we can work together to help.

Reverend Arlen Solem

Chaplain and Campus Pastor

For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem.