It’s Nice When They Know You

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Even if recognition is less, visiting and sharing a loving presence has meaning and value.

I talk with families often about dealing with their loved one with dementia who doesn’t seem to know them. I tell family and friends that the connection is still meaningful, even if the person may not be able to express that recognition. Their person in memory care may not know who they are exactly, but they know they are loved. I encourage people to introduce themselves when they visit, “Hi, mom it’s your daughter Sandy.”  If nothing else, the person appreciates a kind and loving presence.  It is meaningful and powerful even if they don’t exactly know who you are.

But I must admit it is nice when they know you. 

I recently visited a former resident of Emerald Crest who moved to a different facility. When I walked through the doors, she saw me from across the room and lit up. She walked over to me and said how nice it was to see me. She didn’t know my name and I don’t think she ever has, but she clearly knew me. 

Her family would visit later that day and she would tell them that “that man” had been there to see her. It felt good to me that she knew me. I think it was especially meaningful to her that she knew me. She knows me as someone she is familiar with, a friend, and she knows that I visited just to see her. It made that time instantly joyful to her and that good feeling lingered after I left. 

Understanding the hurt, but focusing on sharing a loving presence

It warmed my heart when she looked at me and smiled and came up to me. It warmed my heart, and I am not a close family member. When your loved one knows you and it clearly makes them happy to see you it’s even better. Conversely, had she not known me I would not have been hurt. I am sure that it can hurt when someone you have known so well, maybe for your whole life, doesn’t seem to know you.

I am sure that it makes it easier to visit more often when you get that positive response, when you get that recognition, when they light up at your presence. But when they don’t seem to know you from anyone else, it might make visiting often seem less important or visiting may not give you the same joy. Those you love may enjoy your presence and it may be a blessing to them, but you are not uniquely special anymore it seems. It may seem as though any smiling, friendly person would be the same as you, even though you are a husband or wife or child.

So, when people say it is too hard to visit, I get it. Doesn’t make it right but I get it. It can hurt to visit. Of course, the more you visit, the less it hurts in general. The more you visit, the less you focus on the loss and the more you focus on how your loved one is now, and the love and care you share with them.

God bless you wherever you are on this journey. Know that God will strengthen you and smile upon you and forgive you any missteps. Know that it is never too late to show your love and gratitude for your loved one. Know that your loved one loves you, even if they aren’t able to express that anymore.

Reverend Arlen Solem

Chaplain and Campus Pastor

For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem.