Dementia Changes: Not all are Loss

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With memory loss, we may notice first what is missing, but maybe not all change is loss

So often with dementia friends and family see only loss.  They see what is missing, what seems to be gone or fleeting.  Sometimes it is hard to see what is left, those parts of that personality that remain intact even if they manifest themselves differently. 

But sometimes there is more now.  Sometimes dementia can soften some edges. I think sometimes age can soften these edges too.  Some of the residents at Emerald Crest become emotionally warmer their families will tell you.

An example of change, not just loss

I spoke at a funeral about a month ago. The woman, Mary, had a church where she was a lifelong member so the pastor there officiated but the family wanted me to speak briefly as well. We at Emerald Crest knew Mary in a different way than they did and I would be able to share that side with the rest of her friends and family.

Mary was often a very rigid woman in her life. There were right and wrong ways to do things. She was loving and caring but not easy going. She was a pretty serious person too. She was also a very driven and intelligent woman. She ran offices for business people.

Her last few years were different. She very much had a laissez faire attitude about her life and the lives of others. She was very content and just enjoyed being. Mary spent hours watching digital pictures scrolling through her digital picture frame. She would tell you that she didn’t know who everyone was on the pictures but she figured that the really young ones were great grandkids. I also helped to do video calls with her daughter and great granddaughter. Mary would largely focus her attention and her eyes the playing toddler while her daughter and I had a conversation.

Examples of change in daily life

As I knew her, Mary would laugh easily and genuinely. She was an Irish Catholic from St. Paul. She religiously followed many Catholic traditions, rituals and beliefs her whole life. But that softened somewhat too. I would see Mary on Fridays and she knew that was the day I came to her house. Her whole life Mary had never eaten meat on a Friday even though the Roman Catholic Church had not had obligated meatless Fridays for decades.

One Friday, though, I came as Mary was eating breakfast. She had a half-eaten piece of bacon in her hand. She looked at me and said, “It’s Friday. I probably shouldn’t be eating this.”

“Not only is it Friday”, I replied, “It’s Good Friday.”

Mary looked at me. She looked at the bacon. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “Oh well” and kept eating it.

The last several months of her life, Mary was less stable on her feet and also would try to put herself to sleep right after supper only to wander unsafely in her room or be up in the middle of the night. The evening staff had told her that her door had a lock with a timer that wouldn’t unlock until 8 PM.

One evening, a little after 6 Mary said to me, “I know its early but I like to go to bed early.” The staff said, “Mary, remember that your room is locked until 8 so we can’t get in.”

Mary looked at me and snapped her fingers. “Rats” she said, “I forgot about that.” She said all of this with a chuckle and a smile and stayed in her nice easy chair on the living room. She loved to be around the others in the house, participating in activities or just people watching.

Mary lived to be exactly 101 ½. She often said that she never thought she’d live to 90 let alone 100+. She was happy to allow herself to have help and be taken care of. Little to no worries. She had lots of fruit and candy from her family and that she enjoyed eating and sharing with her housemates.

Changes for better, worse, or just different?

Mary is but one example and someone who quickly comes to mind for me. There are other examples to be sure. I know of many people who talk about the warmth that their mothers showed to them in their last few years. These people will tell you that they never doubted that they were loved but that those words were rarely if ever spoken most of their lives.

“Until mom’s Alzheimer’s got worse, she told me she loved me 2 times in my life”, a man told me. This son could name these two times. But now he heard it virtually every time he saw her. He always knew he was loved but liked hearing it now too. This same woman would greet you with warm smiles, be a little silly, and was happy to give you a hug now in ways that were absent until recent years.

Sometimes there are gains with dementia even with the losses. For certain there are changes, many for the worse it seems but also some for the better. Or maybe these are just changes not better nor worse, just different.

Reverend Arlen Solem

Chaplain and Campus Pastor

In gratitude, thank you so much to all of our volunteers and donors who make all of the work we do at Cassia possible. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and needed to ensure we are able to fulfill our mission.

For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem at 612-263-0503. or Arlen.Solem@cassialife.org.

At Emerald Crest, we offer a deep knowledge of memory care in a specialized assisted living setting for seniors with Alzheimer’s and dementia-related conditions. We encourage you to contact us directly with any questions or request a tour. For tours and general information, please contact Elizabeth Wendel at 952-908-2215.

Emerald Crest by Cassia provides memory care in a unique environment, specifically designed to support those with cognitive issues. Utilizing this exceptional model of care, individuals with dementia, Alzheimer’s and related conditions can flourish in positive relationships and participation in meaningful activities. Memory care is offered in the Minneapolis – Saint Paul area with communities in four convenient locations: Shakopee, Burnsville, Minnetonka and Victoria, MN.