Adjusting Communication as Memory Loss Progresses

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Making small changes to the way we communicate with those in memory care can make visiting more comfortable for all

People change with dementia even though their personality largely remains intact. As their dementia progresses, they continue to change.  How we interact with them should change along with them. That doesn’t always happen. Sometimes we don’t know how to change along with them. Sometimes we have years of communication with a person and old habits die hard.

For many, it can become challenging to visit a loved one with dementia. How you interacted with them in the past may not be the best way to interact with them now. Usually, conversation is different and becomes more difficult as a loved one’s dementia continues to change. At some point, conversation may become virtually impossible, as your loved one isn’t able to engage with you the way they once did.

There are some general ways that we can change how we communicate with those with dementia that are often quite helpful for all involved.

Enthusiasm

As dementia progresses, what you say may become less and less important. Often times as this happens, how you say things becomes more and more important. Your tone conveys your feelings often in a much more effective manner than your words. 

Enthusiasm is important. It can seem strange at first, especially if you aren’t used to big, happy, over the top welcomes. Saying, “Hello Mary, it’s so good to see you!” with exaggerated happiness will often elicit a smile in return. Following this up with something like, “You look nice today!” with an arm gently around their shoulders.

When you visit your loved one, you know that you have travelled to see them. Your loved one may not realize that. If you are visiting your spouse, they may not realize that you no longer live together. You know that there is something special to you being there. Your loved one might not know that. 

Your enthusiasm and joy will let them know that they are special and that you are happy to see them.  A warm welcome is noticed by people without dementia, and it is appreciated. It is that much more important for those with dementia.

Soothing tones as you speak while sitting together can also be welcomed. Speaking slowly, softly and gently (even if loudly because of hearing troubles) will let them know that everything is ok and that you care even if your words aren’t understood in and of themselves.

Physical touch

As dementia progresses, physical touch also usually becomes more important. I know many people who were not big huggers prior to dementia but they really love a hug now. Sitting close by and holding hands or putting your arm around them conveys affection. When it can be difficult to understand words, physical touch speaks volumes and is understandable. 

Physical touch can take pressure off of both of you. You don’t have to worry about saying the right thing or talking and talking to a person who struggles to respond. Your loved one doesn’t have to worry about saying something back either, taking any difficulty of speaking out of the equation.

A gentle back rub or back scratch is also much appreciated and gives clear communication of affection. 

Beyond just physical touch, close proximity and eye contact are often more important. When training me, my predecessor showed me how she would welcome our residents at the worship services. For those people who were hunched over or had their heads down, she would get down low. She would meet them eye to eye. She would do this with her face quite close to the resident’s face. What may be an invasion of personal space to you or I was welcomed by our residents. They were able to focus and see that someone was talking with them and welcoming them. She would say their name warmly and greet them. 

For many of these same people, if you were to stand by them and greet them they may have no idea that you are talking to them. Many of these people would have only seen your shoes and have no idea that you were speaking with them.

Adjusting communication is helpful to everyone

I know that for many of you, this kind of interaction doesn’t come naturally. It’s not that you don’t care, but it’s different than your communication before. When I see my mother, I don’t exclaim how wonderful it is to see her, put my arms around her and tell her she looks beautiful.

For many people, it’s hard to visit. You see a lot of loss with your loved one. You see what is missing and remember them how they were. It can be easy to feel sad, or at least not really, really happy, to see your loved one. 

As with many things, changing how you communicate may take practice. It may feel artificial and forced at first. But it isn’t fake enthusiasm or a fake hug. You want your loved one to feel good. You’re just changing how you make that happen. You will likely get genuine happy responses back. Smiles and laughter, thanks and a few words, maybe they are garbled words but joyful sounding garbled words.  You may not get great responses every time, but you will get good responses often enough to know that it works.

You love this person, or you wouldn’t be visiting them. Joyful enthusiasm, singing, touch and the like will help make visiting more rewarding, enriching, and pleasurable for both of you.

Reverend Arlen Solem

Chaplain and Campus Pastor

In gratitude, thank you so much to all of our volunteers and donors who make all of the work we do at Cassia possible. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and needed to ensure we are able to fulfill our mission.

For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem at 612-263-0503. or Arlen.Solem@cassialife.org.

At Emerald Crest, we offer a deep knowledge of memory care in a specialized assisted living setting for seniors with Alzheimer’s and dementia-related conditions. We encourage you to contact us directly with any questions or request a tour. For tours and general information, please contact Elizabeth Wendel at 952-908-2215.

Emerald Crest by Cassia provides memory care in a unique environment, specifically designed to support those with cognitive issues. Utilizing this exceptional model of care, individuals with dementia, Alzheimer’s and related conditions can flourish in positive relationships and participation in meaningful activities. Memory care is offered in the Minneapolis – Saint Paul area with communities in four convenient locations: Shakopee, Burnsville, Minnetonka and Victoria, MN.